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User blog:EmpyrealInvective/So here's how I spent my semester break (reading garbage)
A little precursor to all this: I’m writing this on the first real break I’ve had since starting up classes again. The past four months have been a whirling dervish of going to classes, studying, and test-taking. I decided to use the first real amount of free time I’ve had in a long while to read: “The Way of the Shadow Wolves: The Deep State and the Hijacking of America”, a book that drew my attention due to the sole fact that it was Steven Seagal’s brain child (delivered into this world stillborn by ghost-writer Tom Morrisey) and has been received about as well as a train wreck. This little bit isn’t really important to the review, I just want it here as a bit of an introduction to the insanity that is about to unfold for those who aren’t familiar with the book. Looking back on 2017, I sometimes wonder what the crowning moment in that all-around unchecked dumpster fire that comprised that year and I think I’ve found it. This book: “The Way of the Shadow Wolves: The Deep State and the Hijacking of America” is the summation of that year (it was released in October 2017). This book is a monument to our sins, erected to mock our Daedalus-ian attempts to be better than we actually were and swat us down mid-flight. This book is divine retribution meted out by some Lovecraftian eldritch being long since forgotten and left to languish in some pelagic pollution-riddled ocean who has arisen from the depths like a fart in still waters to exact its revenge on us. Okay. That’s a bit of a harsh opening, but I’m going to leave it as it is in order to explain why I’m wasting my time on this. After all, I’m wasting an hour writing this on top of the three days I took to read it. Why do this, why share this, why? Is it because I am some sort of internet gremlin who thrives off of tearing apart poor writing? Is it because of the foreword written by Joe Arpaio, the former sheriff of Maricopa whose men burned down a house with a tear gas canister (that likely knocked over a candle) and then drove a ten month old pit bull back into the flames while laughing at the owner? No (but Jesus!). Is it to throw shade at Steven Seagal who’s been accused on multiple accounts of sexual assault and predatory behavior? (Link below, I want you to keep that mental image of Sheriff Joe’s men laughing at someone losing their house and pet when his inevitable senate run comes into effect for a little bit.) It’s those three things above with just a little dash of something else that I’ll talk about in a little bit after I get to slogging through this attempt to market towards deep state conspiracy theorists. For the time being, I’ll leave some lines here to give you a general gist of what you’re stepping into and why this is being written. These are taken word-for-word from the novel and presented with no context for your entertainment: "When he parked at the casino a half hour later, Jimmy had no idea that he was being watched by a shadowy man with a heart as empty as a cave.” “This great, half-white father who lives in DC has released people from Gitmo who went right back into the battlefield killing my brothers in arm. This very day.” “A pack of four-legged coyotes ran past John's vehicle.” “John made a ghost move, evading the thrust.” (I choose to believe that John made an actual spirit move out of the way in order to dodge the thrust.) It’s up for debate how much of this was written by Tom Morrisey and how much Steven Seagal actually penned. Regardless, I’ll leave this little bio for the author just to give a little bit of a sense of who he is: “Tom also spent many years studying martial arts, including a rare form of Chinese internal martial arts. In the last few years, Tom has turned his attention to a life long love of writing, only this time it is stories and novels.” and why I am alright with calling this book the literary equivalent of Legionnaires disease. More than that, this is literary Leishmaniasis, this is literary leprosy and you have to bear witness to it falling out of the sky, a burning mass of poorly-written garbage just so you can tell someone what you’ve seen. Why am I so angry? To be honest, it’s not anger (not most of it, I already made my peace with garbage people like Joe Arpaio existing in the world). It’s not disappointment. I knew this was going to be a dumpster-fire the moment I picked it up. It’s why I rented it from the library. This is more an attempt at balancing out the world. We have been exposed to Steven Seagal’s masturbation material and the only way to prevent this from happening again is to endlessly ridicule him until his arrogance erection wilts and he tucks in back into his pants and away from the frightened actress he’s exposed himself to. The protagonist is John Nan Tan Gode, an Arizona Tribal police officer, who finds himself embroiled in a high-level conspiracy. Don’t let these details throw you, this character is very much Steven Seagal. If you don’t believe me, feel free to take a look at the cover. Yes, that man on the cover who looks like a cross between a sex offender and the worst cosplay of Nightwolf ever is Steven Seagal and that is what he wants you to imagine that John Nan Tan Gode looks like. He wants you to imagine him as one of the eponymous Shadow Wolves (quite possibly the worst thing to happen to a Native American ev-… It’s a close second to- Okay, it’s pretty bad, but it’s not Trail of Tears, smallpox blankets, or life on reservations terrible.) who have earned a reputation for their efficacy at countering trafficking and drug smuggling. I won’t lie by saying this wasn't an easy target. This is the lowest hanging fruit imaginable. I’m surprised this fruit is still attached to the tree with how noticeably bad this novel is. Maybe it’s just so poorly written to such a ridiculous extent that most educated people would avoid it. As you all know, I am not a smart man. I waded waist deep into this book and feel like the only way to clean myself is to share the experience. The story lacks effective description. This is how they describe the protagonist dozens of times throughout the story: “big man”, a “tall man”, a “big lawman” and a “tall lawmen”. Not only is it bland, but it also doesn’t really convey much information to the audience after the first time. It just comes off like the author is desperately trying to remind you that John Nan Tan Gode is tall, a cop, and man in case he was so bland that you forgot who he is. Onto the plot itself. Plot points are dropped quicker than pants in a Steven Seagal ‘audition’. Feel free to give this line a read: ”This is not good-bye, my friend. Think of it more as see you soon. Because you will ... see me soon.” The person who drops this line is never seen again after this. I can only hope that he’s not setting up a sequel in which he returns to face big, tall lawman, John Nan Tan Gode. All in all, this book was aimed at conspiracy theorists who believe in the Deep State. I’m not going to mock those people because this book is enough of an insult to them. It comes off like a cheap attempt to get attention to a novel that would have otherwise been overlooked as the terrible book it is. This is the equivalent of a Buzzfeed article due to its pandering tone (It may as well have titled itself: “Here’s a shitty book that pretends our government is organized enough to be capable of maintaining a deep state just so you can buy it and feel like you’re red-pilled”. It’s the literary equivalent of a Buzzfeed article titled: “Ten things only true 90’s kids will recognize (hint: It’s Tomagatchis, every single entry is Tamogatchis”). This book tries to ego-stroke conspiracy theorists so hard that Infowars had to tell them to chill. I can go on about the quality of this book, but I just realized I spent over an hour writing this which is more time than the authors spent on it so I’m going to cut this a bit short. The book is bad, so bad. It's poorly-written, drops plot points and shambles from one scene to the next. So this all was a bit cathartic if you couldn’t tell. I haven’t really had too much time to review anything so this was a good way to practice my analytical skills and kick a low-hanging fruit. It also gave me a bit of an opportunity to make a blog (something I haven’t done for a good couple of months) and I felt like I should update you guys with what I’ve been doing lately (reading a Steven Seagal book and destroying the essential Veterinary terminology that I've built up these past four months) as I enjoy being a part of this community (even if I don’t have much time to contribute to the site in a meaningful way). Thanks for reading and joining me as I sift through this dumpster fire.